Too Funny, And I Agree

I saw this over at Kenneth in the 212 and just had to post it too. A) because it is really freaking funny B)Cause I want to see that version of the movie C)cause I'm not creative enough to come up with anything else.



I'll be dreaming of Jake tonight for sure now. . .

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Cafe Conversations

I just got a call from work. The same person who I had the last conversation with was on the other line.
"Uh, hi. VinnieG? I broke the dish machine. . ."
Big Sigh from my end of the phone. "What happened?" I asked.
"I pressed the red button and it stopped working."
"The red button on the front of the machine?" I asked.
"Yep,"
"The red button next to the green button?"
"Yep,"
Another big sigh from me.
"______ (name witheld to protect the guilty) all you did was turn it off. That is why it has off written on the red button. Just hit the green button and turn it back on."
"Oh," click. . .

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OMG. . .Too Funny

Lauren just sent me this link and I almost peed my pants laughing. I love the Onion. It is just so freaking wrong! Just a word of advice. . .if you are one of those homos who takes yourself WAY too seriously then you won't enjoy this at all. I warned you so don't bitch to me afterwards.

Why Do Homosexuals Keep Sucking My C***?

p.s.
Geez Lauren. . .you quit AGAIN?.

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Cafe Conversations

Sometimes I wonder if customers even listen to the answer to their questions. A lady came in and wanted a decaf frappuccino. I told her we didn't have those, we only had teh caffeinated version. She asked if we were a Starbucks and I told her we were not, but we served Starbucks beverages and offered most of what they did.
"Well, if you are a Starbucks you should have the decaf frappuccinos," she told me after explaining it to her.
"But we aren't Starbucks, we just serve their coffee. We don't even have the decaf versions available to order,"
"Starbucks has them,"
"Yes, I know. Unfortunately we don't offer them."
"But Starbucks has them," she told me yet again.
"I know. They have them. We don't."
"Why not?"
At this point you can imagine how aggravated I was. "Because our corporate office doesn't think they are up to our standards so we choose not to offer them."
"You should have them. Starbucks does."
At this point I just gave up trying to be nice. "I'll send an email out to them as soon as I get a chance to letting them know your opinion. Did you want something else or would you like to go down the road to Starbucks to get your Decaf Frappuccino," I asked her with a sugary sweet tone of voice and a totally fake smile on my face.
"I'll just have a regular one then. It's early and it won't keep me up."
WTF? Did she think she would get something for free or do people have nothing better to do than to make a pain in the ass of themselves for no reason. . .

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Gas Crunch

I did it. I made it through the whole holiday weekend without buying gas. Why? Well, I dunno. Maybe as my own personal F-U to the oil companies who saw fit to charge 3.39 yesterday but by this morning it is down to 3.09.
WTF?
I almost didn't make it because I forgot to get gas on Wednesday which was my cutoff day to get gas before the weekend started. I am down to just fumes right now but hopefully I'll make it the two blocks to the gas station before heading off to work today.

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Memorial Day

A very happy Memorial Day to all of you out there. I hope you had a great day and had some beautiful weather to enjoy it! I got to go into work today (woo-hoo) which wasn't so bad. I'm going on vacation this weekend and I had Sunday off so no big deal really. It was basically a no brainer day with not much to do. The only irritating things were the "well wishes" from some of the people coming in. For instance. "Wow, do you know how gorgeous it is out there today?"
Well, yes I do actually. I felt like pointing to the HUGE picture windows and saying "I can see that clearly thank you."
My personal favorite is the old standby "What a shame you have to work today."
Is it a shame? Really? Because if it was truly a shame that I had to be at work then why are you here? Does that mean shame on you for coming in and making me work?

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Script Frenzy

Less than a week until script frenzy starts. YIKES. I have my character names and their general M.O. but I don't have anything else. O.k. sure, I know they own/ work in a coffee shop and the general ending. There is a whole lot of space into introducing them and then having the endings they deserve. Guess I better get on my bike and do some thinking about that whole middle part of my script.

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Lentil Salad

I always seem to lose the pieces of paper that I have recipes I like written down on. Hmmm, if only there was a place where I could store them that I wouldn't lose them at? What? Put them here? That is a brilliant idea! This is a favorite of mine that D. gave to me. It is so freaking good you won't even know you are eating lentils. To make it a vegan recipe just omit the egg topping.

Lentil Salad
1 1/4 cups brown lentils, rinsed
4 large eggs
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 large cucumber, peeled and diced
1/2 cup finely chopped fresh parsley
1/2 cup finely chopped red onion
salt and pepper
1 - In a small saucepan, cover lentils with water by one inch. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, partially uncovered, until lentils are tender but still holding their shape. (20 to 25 minutes) Drain well.
2 - Meanwhile, place eggs in a small saucepan, cover with cold water by one inch. Bring to a boil. Remove from heat and cover. Let stand 12 minutes. Drain and rinse under cold water. Peel and chop roughly.
3 - In a large bowl, whisk together vinegar and oil. Add lentils, cucumber, parsley and onion. Season with salt and pepper. Toss well to coat with dressing.
4 - Cool to room temperature, or serve chilled, topped with chopped eggs

Whew, there D, now I won't have to bug you every month for the recipe.

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Blogthing Frenzy

OMG. . .did the actually know my ex?

Your Ex Is Paranoid

Whether your ex was accusing you of cheating or your friends of being evil... Your ex definitely saw things that weren't there! People with paranoid personality disorder bear grudges, are always suspicious, and confide in no one. Sound at all familiar?

What's Wrong With Your Ex?

Whatever. . .never even heard of this painting. . .

You Are Best Described By...

San Giorgio Maggiore, Twilight By Claude Monet

What Famous Work of Art Are You?

What? Okay I guess. . .

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

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Woo Meaty!

I love this commercial. When the woman at the end goes Woo and the look on the other woman's face. . .OMG. . .it is just hysterical. . .

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Brady Vs. Grady

Future Ex Husband Friday has a quandary. Who is hotter, Brady Quinn or Grady Sizemore? I'll tell you this much, Brady is much more overexposed by far and I have been in line behind Grady in Starbucks and Damn the pictures don't do that man justice!

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Cafe Conversations

I just had this conversation with one of my newer team members just a couple of hours ago. A gentleman got one of our Strattas and asked me to heat it up more since the center was cold. I asked Newbie how long he heated it for and he told me thirty seconds.
"Well, these need to heat for two minutes," I told him.
"But he said it was to go," was Newbie's reply. I waited for a little bit more with a confused look on my face. Newbie didn't say anything else.
"Well, even if it is to go you still need to heat it for two minutes," I told him.
"Yeah, but he said it was to go then he just sat down and started eating it," was his reply.
"Okay, but you do understand that they get heated for two minutes right?" I asked because I wasn't sure he actually did get it.
"Even if they say it is to go and they eat it here?" he asked.
"Okay, we need to focus on the two minute heating here. Do you get that part?"
"But he said to go,"
"For here, to go. . .two minutes no matter where they eat it. Got it."
"Oh, o.k."

WTF? As if the customers weren't crazy enough now I work with Captain Non-Sequitor.

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Whew. . .

I just got back in from my first official bike ride of the season. After putting in a fifteen hour day at work (ugh. . .I hate people) I needed some sort of physical activity. I took the 2.5 mile route that D. created last summer for us to do. Wow, I am out of biking shape. I need to get my ass callouses back to stay in that seat! It is gonna take some work to get back up to the 4 times around that we used to do. Of course it helped to actually have D. there with me. . .I miss my biking buddy! Hope the trails are smooth out there in Ca for ya.

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Summer Lovin'

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Maroon 5 has pretty much just been under my radar, at least until I saw the video for their song Makes Me Wonder (I had to go on iTunes and get that. It's fun in a retro disco kind of way). Wow, that Adam Levine is pretty damn hot in an a gawky, dirty, odd way isn't he?

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Pay At The Pump

To assuage my apathetic guilt I do participate in some of the Moveon.org campaigns. This one is close to my heart, or should I say wallet (I'm a Capricorn so they are about equal). It has to do with price gouging at the gas pump. Here is a sample letter and a link to check out. If you like it feel free to copy it and send it off to all your friends.

Hi,

Can you face another summer where a day trip to the lake or the beach costs you an arm and a leg? It's shaping up to be just that if we don't ask Congress to stand up to Big Oil now.

But there a bill in the House this week that could make gas price gouging a federal crime, so we don't pay more while the oil companies rake in record profits. I signed a petition to urge my representative to pass this bill this week -- can you join me at the link below?

http://pol.moveon.org/stoppricegouging/

Thanks!

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Cafe Conversations

I was in a pretty good mood this morning and I was well caffeinated for a change. I was running the register and things were going pretty well until Ms. Dazed and Confused came in. I had to say hello to her three times before I got any sort of response (keep in mind that there were three people behind her in line). What response did I get from her?
"What? Why are you looking at me?"
O.K. so not the response I was expecting from someone who did not seem totally crazy or whacked out on crack so I could only stare at her open mouthed for a second before she said "Well, what do you want?" in a snappish tone of voice. All I could think of to say was "Well, I just want to get your order," in an incredulous voice.
Luckily that seemed to snap her out of it somewhat as she said "Oh, Okay, you can do that. . ."
Really? I can!
Thanks so much for the favor lady.

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Slackie McSlackster

Sorry, I totally slacked off this week. Between work and getting ready to go see C-Fresh this week I have been totally crazy. We had a great time yard saling down in Columbus for the Village Valuables (aka crapfest 2007). We picked up a couple of great little brick a bracks and watched all the people scrambling around for the various crap people were selling. Hey Gumby! Was that you in the park rehearsing a play/ auditioning around 2ish?

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Ding Dong

One of my employees sent me this. May Mr. Falwell get all that he has coming to him. . .

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Back. . .

. . . Whew! It is good to be back online. Squirrels chewed through the phone line so I have been without DSL or land line phones for a couple of days. Freaking squirrels. . .don't they have someone's bird feeder to raid or something?

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Name Game

The thing I hate most about these writing months (scriptfrenzy and NaNoWriMo) is coming up with names. Thank God I don't have to worry about naming a child because I have a hard enough time naming a freaking character in a screenplay. I am half toying with Dulcinea for the female and Rex for the guy but I am just not sure if these fit their personalities or not. I guess it is back to the baby name websites for me again. . .

P.S.
Okay, after going through the list I came up with Reynard for the guy with the back story being his mother was a hopeless romantic Francophile. She was the one who instilled in him the idea of soul mates and finding that one perfect love and all that crap. Dulcinea's mother was very uncreative and took her name from the character in Man of LaMancha who she played one summer in summer stock getting pregnant with Dulcinea by an older man who played the man of La Mancha. . .

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Write On. . .

It is almost June 1st and you know what that means! Time for another writing challenge. In the spirit of NaNoWriMo comes Script Frenzy. That's write, it is time to write a script in one month. I took that to mean write a screenplay in month but it is actually write a play. I'm still going to write a screenplay though (hey, they are kinda close. . .right?). You can visit the Script Frenzy website to enroll and get some tips and hints. I was trying to wrack my brains thinking of a theme or a story and then it dawned on me that the Cafe Conversations could come in handy so my screenplay will take place in a cafe frequented by some insane ass people.

P.S.
I must have been on crack the first time I went through the site. They offer hints and tricks whether you are writing a screenplay or a play. . .

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Future Ex Husband Friday: Battlestar Edition Pt3

And now for my favorite of the Battlestar Hotties. I know most people drool over Jamie Bamber but I think Michael Trucco who plays Starbuck's husband Sam is so freaking hot. He has that sort of bad boy thing going for him.

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I'm A Movement!

And no, not a bowel movement either smartass! I used to be upset that I had never had a stalker. All the other cool kids had stalkers but I was just the dorky hanger on that envied their stalkability. Well now I have something even cooler. . .my very own movement headed up by Gumby. To find out how to become an FOV (and to find out what one is) just go here.

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Brothers. . .

. . .You can't live with them and you can't kill them. . .

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Etiquette

Gumby recently posted a comment asking "tell me... is it ever appropriate for one customer (like, say, me) to chide another for being rude? I almost did a couple of weeks ago at our Whole Foods, but I was afraid of being attacked."
Hmm, good question Gumby. I say go right ahead and let a jerk know they are being a jerk. Maybe it will help reduce their future jerkiness if they know they won't get away with it. I would caution getting the employee involved though. I have had people say to me (loudly) "Is that person always a jerk?" or "how do you deal with assholes like that?" While I would love to respond candidly that I consume mass quantities of Valium and vodka and then blog about what retards they are I am forced to say "Oh, it isn't that bad, really. . ." Just remember, the poor employee will probably have to deal with that asshole again so they are just trying to not make it worse (or get into trouble).

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Woo-Hoo

How nice it is to have a day off! After 10 days in a row at work I am a little burned out on people right now. Just the thought that I don't have to listen to convoluted coffee orders or try to get someone's attention as they chat away on their cell phone instead of paying for their drink and holding up everyone else in line or fake being in a good mood for people I don't even know makes me smile. It also helps that I finally had time to go get my hairs did (nice and short again, whew!) and get some stuff to finish up my little container garden (woo-hoo!). Ah, now I am going to indulge in a little gratuitous slacking.

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Me Employees Already Knew This

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

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High Price of Gas

I just read two articles about the high price of gas. In the one the rising cost of gas is blamed on a BP PLC plant in Whiting, Ind. that process more than 400,000 barrels of oil a day. It seems there are some "unexpected repairs" that will take several months to complete before the plant is fully operational (wow, that sounded sort of Star Trek geek-esque). It seems a bit odd to me that these unexpected repairs come right at the beginning of summer and are supposed to last several months (or the length of summer). HMMMM? Something fishy going on?
Before you start to think of me as a conspiracy theorist I wasn't the only one to think so. Sen. Charles Schumer of NY thought so too (especially after a ton of calls complaining about the prices) and is calling for a federal investigation into the oil refineries that make the gas.

"The looming question is, are they putting money into maintenance and keeping up refineries as they should?" Schumer asked. "Or are they happier with lower production and higher prices?"

You can read more here and here.

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Cafe Conversations

It is a never ending source of irritation to me how rude people are these days. Today a guy comes up and barks at me "Gimme a gift card!" I point out to him "all of our Barnes & Noble gift cards are right here, you can pick out the one you want."
His reply? "Gimme a Starbucks one," like I was a retarded fifth grader and he had to speak really loud to make me understand.
"I'm sorry, we only have the B&N gift cards here. . ."
Even before I had finished the last word he gives that "you tard" head shake and mutters "asshole," and stomps out. Now if I was being an asshole then I could understand but I was actually being nice. ARGH! He made me want to scream and knock him in front of a moving car and yell "YOU are the fucking asshole. YOU went to the wrong DAMN place!" then give him that 'you retarded puppy' headshake.
The other delightful person I encountered came up to the counter with her middle aged daughter. I was coming out of the backroom so I called out "Hello".
No response.
I went right up to the counter and said "Hi there."
Nothing.
The woman turned, glared at me, turned up her nose and had a look on her face like how dare I speak to her and stuck her finger in my face in that "wait a minute" gesture while her daughter kept chatting away on her phone.
I thought to myself "bitch, you better not speak English and you are waiting for her to translate for you." So I walked away and wiped stuff down to keep from reaching over the counter and breaking the finger she was waving in my face. Her daughter kept chatting away on the phone so I kept ignoring the old bag until she deemed it okay to speak to me by saying in a bored and superior tone "I guess you can make my drink for me."
REALLY
You're going to let me make your drink? Wow, just what I waited my whole fucking life for, to make your drink you old bag (how I wish I had won the lottery so I could have actually said that to her). Again, no please, thank you, hello, goodbye, or anything, just GET ME and GIVE ME. ARGH!
Well, my passive aggressive nature just couldn't let it completely slide so the next person came up and she was a really polite and perky young lady who was just really nice. She orders a tea and loud enough so the old hag could hear as she was adding splenda to her nonfat 1/2 caff latte I said to the polite young lady "No charge for the tea. You are so polite and pleasant it was a pleasure to get this for you so it's on the house."
The old hag just glared at the young girl after hearing that and stumped off to make someone else miserable.

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Cheap Gas

Are you looking for cheap gas in your city (besides loading up at Taco Bell)? Who isn't? It is a crying shame when after getting my 80 cent discount at Get Go I still paid $2.28 a gallon. I did find one website that gives an index of the cheapest, and most expensive, gas prices in major American cities at Fueleconomy.gov.
Keep in mind it does rely on everyday people submitting what they paid so it may not be entirely accurate but it could help you plan out your gas buying. The rates in Cleveland were anywhere from $2.86 at the lowest to $3.29 at the higher end.

Search for gas prices by US Zip Code

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Gas Boycott

One of my employees was telling me about a gas boycott he heard about scheduled for May 15h after listening to me bitch again about gas prices (I mean c'mon, up fifty cents over night?) I did a little bit of research (okay, I googled it once and read two articles) and it turns out these are mostly urban legends that don't work. What I want to know, and I know someone out there has a great answer, is how do we all show our displeasure at the oil companies ripping us off left and right and our govt. not giving two craps that they are doing it? I have already cut down unnecessary driving and now that it is warm again I have no problem with riding my bike to the video store or on small errands. Unfortunately Cleveland's (m)ass transit sucks so that isn't an option. I have considered only driving half way into work, finding someplace to park, then biking the rest of the way in but I'm not sure if that is an option either.

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Future Ex Husband Friday

This weeks future ex husband is my second favorite man on Battlestar Galactica. . .Jamie Bamber who plays the somewhat conflicted son of Commander Adama and the sometime love interest of the ever bitchy Starbuck. Now, all I have to say is Tricia Helfer posed nude for Playboy a month or two ago so when is it the guy's turn to do the same?
P.S.
Does anyone know the name of the guy who plays Sam, Starbuck's husband? He is so freaking hot!

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Jury Duty

There is a better than even chance that I am going to get stuck on a jury tomorrow. The only thing I can hope for is that they settle out of court. I know that it is my civic duty (that is why I have had a minimum of bitching about it) and I know that I have to participate for the system to work. . .but it just SUCKS! C'mon, there are a crap load of retired people in my city who are sitting at home talking to their cats bored off their asses. I am sure they would love any chance to get out of the house and socialize. Oh well, I guess I just gotta keep my fingers crossed and hope for a settlement, either that or I may have to bust out "I have a special gift, I can tell when a person is guilty just by looking at them." Or, everyone is guilty of something, so might as well hang em now". I probably won't bust either of those lines out. I'll go and be a good boy and do my part in the American justice system (unless of course it is a frivolous lawsuit, in that case the bastard is going down!)

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Looking Like Dad

Did anyone else notice how ugly Prince William is getting. He was such a cute kid now he is just starting to look all creepy like Prince Charles. Harry, however, is looking better as he ages.

On a side note, kudos to Harry for sticking up for what he believes (fighting with his unit after training so hard with them). It has got to be extremely tough on Prince Charles like it is with every other family who has a child there. The only difference being that you know your child would be targeted specifically. Not a pleasant feeling, I'm sure.

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Brady Is Coming to Town

Why do I get the feeling that, like every other hot commodity, Brady Quinn will get here and then totally not live up to the hype? Not that he isn't really freaking hot but it will take more than a pretty smile to actually get Cleveland to win more than 1 game a season. I am cautiously optimistic, but worst comes to worst we will at least have some eye candy for a year.

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